Parents
are not trained, although we regard our children as our most important
resource. Could you suggest the most
effective means of training future parents?
Mistakes
that parents make are often unintentional.
Most parents take the job very seriously and do the best that they know
how. Could you say that about your own
parents?
Goals
for the child: self-worth, self-respect, identity, fully-functioning at work
and in relationships, and happiness.
How do you help your children achieve these goals?
Match
the dream of children with the reality of children (see myths of parenting from last week’s notes)
High
self-esteem is a quiet contentment with who you are; it promotes health and
happiness. Are you glad that you are
you? Do you value yourself privately?
Two
basic needs of any child: “I am
lovable” and “I am worthwhile”
What
is the difference between “being loved” and “feeling loved”?
Coopersmith
study on self-esteem: self-esteem comes from the relationships that exist
between the child and those who play a significant role in the child’s life.
Parents
are psychological mirrors that the child uses to build his/her identity. “I am
who you say I am.”
Identity
is a social construct, achieved by living with others. What would happen to a child who was born
and lived in isolation—the feral child?
Child
is born in a symbiotic relationship with mother, with no concept of self. Language is the tool that allows the child
to feel separate. Process of
individuation begins; self-awareness begins.
Note the differences between Mother A and Mother B detailed by Briggs. There is power in nonverbal messages. Words, too, come to have power in the
development of self-esteem. Which is
more powerful—words or body language?
Learning
your own name presents a symbol for your unique self, apart from others.
By
2 and ½, the child has formed a self-concept
Parent-child
interactions from the beginning form the child’s impression of the
environment—safe or unsafe, trusting or mistrusting; when mom is tense, baby is
tense. This rhythm between caregiver
and child is called Synchronicity.
All-hereness
is the goal in any interaction with the baby.
How would you create this response?
Words
and actions have power to form a child’s self-concept. Children don’t question the parents’ words,
but assume they must all be true and accurate.
Parents are magnified in the eyes of the child until they take on the
appearance of a god.
Parents
are not the only mirrors for the child?
Who are the other social agents in the child’s life?
Chapter
Three
By
age six, peers provide reflection of worth; do you live up to expectations as a
boy or girl—are you athletic or musical, nurturing or self-reliant, introverted
or extroverted?
Youngsters
whose interests and values are noticeably out of step with those his age are
likely to feel isolated—then they see themselves as having less worth.
One’s
self-image may or may not be accurate.
There should be congruence between real and ideal self, according
to Carl Rogers.
Who
you are is not so important as who you think you are: the value of
self-perception
Overcoming
feelings of inferiority is a major task of childhood, according to Alfred
Adler. Being small in a big world encourages feelings of inferiority.
All
behavior is directed towards building self-esteem. If that statement is true, explain why children misbehave.
One’s
self-confidence can be “spotty” or “situational”. Can you provide some
examples?
Note
differing belief systems on page 23:optimistic vs. pessimistic
Low
self-esteem increases the chances of oppositional and defiant behaviors in
children.
Happy
people are successfully involved with others; unhappy ones are isolated from
others
Chapter
Four
When
children have low self-esteem, they choose one of three responses:
1.
they
erect defenses in which they cover up their perceived inadequacies
2.
they
submit or give in to their perceptions and live self-effacing lives
3.
they
withdraw or retreat into themselves or their interests to block out anticipated
rejections of others
Withdrawing
is a last resort, and indicates the most severe self-esteem problem.
Defenses:
tattling, bullying, chattering, compensating, displacing, projecting,
sublimating, denying, acting out
The
core of neurosis: “I am unlovable, bad, and unworthy.” Neurosis is the scar tissue around a
psychological wound
One
unhealthy defense found in children with low self-esteem is overeating, which
starts a vicious cycle that is hard to break.
Food becomes a symbol for warmth, closeness, affection, approval, good
body feelings.
The
model child: a façade to cover feelings of inadequacy; where is her anger,
jealously, frustration, anxiety? The
model child is living superficially; she becomes dependent, compliant, the nice person who has to hide her bad self
from others. She may be suffering from
what Karen Horney refers to as “the tyranny of the shoulds”.
Masks
are worn to hide the “worthless me”.
What kinds of masks have you seen others wear?
Chapter
Five
Self-concept
should be a dynamic, always modifiable by new experiences.
Low
self-esteem is fostered by our need to seek out confirmation of our feelings.
To avoid cognitive dissonance one sees affirmation of low self-esteem all
around him, ignoring any contradictory information. There has to be internal consistency.
Chapter
Six
Common
filters that cloud the parental mirror: inexperience, borrowed standards,
hangover wishes, current hungers, unfinished business. Provide an example of each of these.
Provide
a recipe for dependency. How is the
dependent personality formed early?
Do
an expectation inventory as described in the chapter on a personal expectancy
of yourself or others that you are aware of.
Perls: You do unto others what you do unto
yourself. Explain and give an
example.
Chapter
Seven
Responsive
affection alone doesn’t convince a child that she is lovable. What else does she need?
Overprotection
by the parent sends the message that “You are not competent” and can undermine
self-respect.
Would
you give your children presents or presence?
Giving things is easier than giving ourselves.
The
positive ingredients that communicate love: genuine encounter and psychological
safety.
Provide
a definition and an example of genuine encounter. On the other hand, provide an example of the “distancing”
that can still exist when two people are together.
The
opposite of love is not hate, but rather indifference.
Homework: Practice “all-hereness” with someone special in your life for ten minutes.
Genuine encounter with another comes only after a comfort with self.
Chapter
Eight
The
six safeties that dispel neuroses:
trust, nonjudgment, being cherished, owning feelings, empathy and unique
growing
How
does a parent build trust in his/her child? See examples in the chapter and think of others original to your
experiences. Trust or mistrust: Erikson’s primary psychosocial task.
The mixed-message trap: when the words and the actions do not fit, the child experiences conflict and confusion.
Some
of the unhappiest children come from over-permissive homes (where parents mask
true feelings) because they are immersed in a constant stream of mixed
messages.
What
is a double bind message that would come from a “schizophrenogenic parent”?
Is
honesty always the best policy with your children? What are some reservations about total honesty with your kids?
Why
would parents use “watered-down” messages to their children? Intensity is natural. A quiet, conflict-free family is unnatural
and neurotic.
A
parent can judge the child’s behavior, but not the child’s character.
Blame
is at the core of emotional disorder and low self-esteem. Parents can benefit the children by changing
from being the judge to being the reactor.
Can positive judgment (praise) be detrimental? An example: “You’re such a good boy. Momma’s little man. I can always depend on you.”
Carl
Rogers believes that if personal worth is dependent on performance, then worth
is subject to cancellation at any moment.
Distinguish
between “You-judgments” and “I-reactions”: PET will give us more skill-building
opportunities.
Chapter
Ten
Children
should be cherished. “If I were to
treat my friends as I treat my child, how many friends would I have?”
Why
do parents have trouble seeing their children as a real person, equal in value
to themselves?
Being
cherished insists on focusing on strengths.
Attending to shortcomings, or to what’s missing in the child, diminishes
the feelings of being cherished. Did
your parents treat your disrespectfully, take your uniqueness for granted,
focus on shortcomings, dislike in you what they disliked in themselves or the
other parent, confuse you with their lack of genuineness or judge you
negatively?
A
parent cannot come to cherish the child if he or she does not cherish the
self. Remember that you are not your
behaviors, your job, or your relationships.
When mistakes are not tied to personal worth, they are less overwhelming.
Chapter
Eleven
Feelings
just are! Feelings are not right or wrong, appropriate
or inappropriate. But freedom to feel
is not permission to act in unacceptable ways.
Give an example.
Your
way of seeing and feeling is not the only way of seeing and feeling?
Can
you as a parent accept differences from you in your child? What is your tolerance for differences? Low tolerance for difference suggests low
self-esteem.
Message
to children: You have a right to your
feelings even though I don’t have the same feelings
Chapter
Twelve
Distinguish
sympathy and empathy as affective concepts.
Shut
the door to empathy and you shut out intimacy, safety and love. Human understanding brings warm comfort and
safety; it bridges the gap of alienation.
Empathy
can be expressed by words and body language.
Attitudes
and feelings are more important than facts. Do you agree or disagree with her
statement?
Logic
cancels empathy. “Don’t feel that way.
Feeling that way doesn’t make any sense. You have no reason to feel that way. I want you to feel differently.
I want you to feel more like I feel.”
Parents who have high self-regard find it easier to be empathic and enter the child’s world.
Sensitivity
to body language is essential to picking up on feelings and being
empathic. Empathy gets love across,
fosters intimacy and wipes out feelings of isolation and loneliness. The message: “I am with you always.”
Allow
your child the safety of unique growing.
Growth is not a linear process, but a spiraling one, with periods of
regression expected.
There
is a continual balance of dependent-independent, submission-dominance,
keeping-sharing. Growth insists on
necessary losses: to grow is to give up the old.
Retreat
may be a necessary prelude to surging ahead.
Chapter
Eighteen
Explain
how parents’ words or behaviors can act as “feeling stoppers”?
Negative
feelings expressed and accepted lose their destructive power.
Feelings
expressed discharge emotional energy.
Repression
of emotions may result in psychosomatic symptoms or in hostility directed
towards others and society.
To
handle feelings constructively: hear empathically, accept feelings and provide
acceptable outlets. Give an example of
a healthy outlet for a child’s anger.
Distinguish
between active and passive listening.
If
you have an emotion that you want to send someone else, there is a strategy for
doing that as well, something that Gordon, in PET, will call “the I-message”
Chapter
Nineteen
Anger
and jealousy are such difficult emotions for parents to handle that each
emotion is given its own chapter in the Briggs text.
Anger
may be interpreted as a secondary emotion at times. When one displays anger, there may be a primary emotion
unrecognized: fear, embarrassment, hurt, shame, jealousy, fatigue, humiliation.
Rarely
does anger come first.
A
child’s anger directed towards the parent is a gift to the parent, in two ways:
one, he feels safe with you so he can express himself honestly, and, two, you
have raised a child who is strong-willed and comfortable expressing emotions in
an assertive way.
Causes
for hostility in children: unrealistic standards, destructive discipline,
threatening encounters, excessive competition and continual comparison with
others.
Indirect
signs of anger: teasing, tattling, sarcasm, opposition, defiance, anxiety,
fears, depression, cruelty to animals and psychosomatic symptoms such as
asthma, irritable bowel, accident proneness, hyperactivity, inattentiveness,
shyness, and the “overly good” child.
Chapter
Twenty
Jealousy
is an emotion that comes with feeling disadvantaged, threatened, cheated, left
out, unlucky. Whether one’s perception
is accurate or inaccurate, when jealousy comes it is always real.
Sibling
rivalry is not such a bad thing. What
are the benefits?
Is
it possible that a parent can prefer one child to another? Are feelings of favoritism acceptable? Yes, feelings are acceptable, but the
sensitive and empathic parent will not act on that preference. Some uneven treatment is based on the age of
the child.
It
poisons the child to compare him to other siblings; the remarks guarantee
jealousy, resentment and inadequacy, and lower the global assessment of self.
When
a child says, “ You let her do things that you won’t let me do. It’s not fair.” What is the best response for the parent? Recognize the feeling in the words and not the
truth in the words. Pick up on the
feeling and send a reflective response.
Listen to the child; hear her thinking.
Is there any truth in what she is saying?
Bullying
can be explained by recognizing that jealousy is often acted out against others
with whom we compare ourselves negatively.
Creating a temporary one-up over the enemy elevates the self-esteem for
the moment.
Check
out the definition of discipline in Webster’s: training that corrects,
molds, strengthens or perfects; chastisement imposed as a penance or as a
penalty; education; related to disciple or leader or teacher
The
goal of all discipline is self-discipline or regulation of behavior
The
four questions relating to discipline:
Are limits necessary? What kind and how many should be set? Who should
establish rules? How can rules be enforced constructively?
Rules
are necessary but the kinds of rules that are constructive take into
consideration the needs of both the parents and the children.
Fewer
rules are necessary when family members are cooperative and friendly and
demonstrate the six basic safeties.
Family
rules are not the only set that a child will be exposed to.
Three
approaches to limit-setting with children: power kept, power given away and
power shared. These translate into the
three kinds of parenting that are recognized in the research: the
authoritarian, the permissive and the democratic. Which do you suppose is the healthiest?
The
authoritarian parent comes from a historical perspective: parents laid down
laws and children obeyed them without question; “spare the rod, spoil the
child”; “children should be seen and not heard”; control without nurturing;
values obedience as a virtue; discourages child’s autonomy
Under
what circumstances will the authoritarian approach not work? When it doesn’t work any more the parent has
four options: give up, nag (scold, lecture, preach), enforce by punishment
(spanking, withdrawal of love, isolation, denial of privileges) or enforce by
rewards
Behavioral
researchers agree: “Our evaluation of punishment is that it is ineffectual in the
long term as a technique for eliminating the kind of behavior toward which it
is directed.” Authoritarian parenting
has negative long-range effects, compromises self-esteem and encourages a
dependency and an external locus of control and responsibility
Authoritarian
stands are sometimes necessary whenever health, safety or the law are
concerned. Once in a while this approach is acceptable, but not as a
predominant method of disciplining
Over-permissive
parenting results in children that are more disturbed than children of
authoritarian parenting; they become self-centered and demanding, had trouble
making friends and had trouble adjusting to the rules of classrooms or society
in general.
Permissive
parenting often leads to rejection of the child since the parent can’t accept
everything that the child does
These
children see the parents as weak and easily manipulated, and the unlicensed
freedom causes anxiety and guilt; it smacks of disinterest in and desertion of
the child
What
if one parent is permissive and the other is authoritarian? Briggs suggests that this provides a
foundation of neuroses (she mentions alcoholism specifically)
With
the permissive mother and the weak or absent father, the male child may have
difficulty forming a solid male identity and he may develop homosexual
tendencies (certainly a Freudian notion unsupported by research), or become a
momma’s boy who will disappoint a woman who wants a husband and not a son; the
boy hungers for freedom from emotional responsibility and commitment
Constructive
discipline is called authoritative or democratic parenting, or shared
power. The characteristics of such a
home:
q parents exercise firm
control over children
q provision of structure and
limits on behavior
q encourage independence and
individuality
q rational, flexible and
attentive to child’s needs
q rules are established that
protect the rights of all
q founded on mutual respect,
trust and faith
q emotions are expressed
q problems are recognized and
addressed
q effective listening skills
q empathy
q solutions are considered and
operationalized
q
self-discipline and regulation of behavior emphasized
Consider
the three types of parenting and decide which type(s) you were exposed to in
your own family.
q
Three
types of parenting noted: authoritarian, permissive, authoritative
q
Authoritative
parents produce the most competent children
q
Authoritarian
parents produce children that are
self-reliant, but unhappy, withdrawn, inhibited and distrustful
q
Authoritarian
parents of African-American girls were outgoing and competent
q
Permissive
parents (unengaged) produce the least independent and self-controlled and the
most immature children
q
How
parents relate to children during adolescence is more important in determining
adolescent competence than earlier parenting techniques
q
Three
significant components of parenting in the teen years: commitment,
demandingness, responsiveness
q
Authoritataive
parents are high in commitment and responsiveness, average in demandingness
q
Adolescent
substance use parallels parent use; authoritative parents produce the lowest
rate of substance use in adolescence